Tuesday, June 12, 2012

God Save the Queen Because I Can't


I love the Queen and all that but somebody really needs to tell her to ditch the purse. I figure she wears hats all the time to boost the hat-making industry in England. Some of them are a bit funny looking but I figure there’s a purpose to them. But does she need to worry about the purse industry? What about the roller skate industry? Is she going to wear roller skates everywhere?

And they’re not even stylish purses. They’re mostly ugly and awkward boxy things. And it just hangs there from her arm and she can’t use that hand while she’s got the purse there. She can’t give a decent hug or grab onto anything. I’ll bet if there was a fire she’d fling that thing fast enough and hitch up her hem to run like crazy.

And what in the name of Sweet Jesus does she even need one for? She doesn’t have to tip anyone or buy a coke. Her face is already on the money and it would seem like if she ever really needed money she could just have somebody take her picture and put that in the cash register.

I thought it remarkable when she wagged her purse to the concert in her honor last week. The concert was right across the street from her house, for goodness sake. It’s not like she needed bus money.

So what on earth does she keep in there? I don’t think she smokes. Maybe there’s a tiny flask for a nip or two if it gets chilly. I understand she is pretty computer savvy so maybe she’s got her cell phone so she can play Words with Friends or Angry Birds when things get dull.

Snacks! That’s it! She probably gets hungry during royal engagements and a little snack back in the Rolls between factory visits would be great. Now it’s starting to make sense. And I’ll bet she eats Cheetos. I read somewhere that she goes through six pairs of gloves a day. Cheetos would certainly explain that. Yeah, definitely snacks.

I watched a little of the 60th Jubilee—not as much as I wanted because we had the grands here and you can imagine how excited they are about some white haired lady from England. But I have to say she looked quite regal.

And of course, she’s regal looking because; after all, that’s the definition of regal, isn’t it? If Queen Elizabeth wanted to wear overalls and a baseball cap then that would be the new “regal” look and I would be in great shape. It must be nice to be someone who sets the standards. It would sure make life a lot easier. The lady even has a panty hose size named for her. But have you ever really looked at the Queen? She’s not as big as a flea. That must explain why the Queen size is still too small for me.

When you look up Britain’s National Anthem you’ll find God Save the Queen. It has a nice tune (nice enough that we totally stole it for our own song “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”) but I can’t help but wonder how these people have endured the lyrics all these years. And, bless her heart, the poor Queen has had to stand there and listen to it more times than anyone:

     God save our gracious Queen
     Long live our noble Queen.
     God save our Queen
     Send her victorious
     Happy and glorious
     Long to reign over us
     God Save the Queen

Have you ever seen more unimaginative and boring lyrics? Surely the nation that gave us Andrew Lloyd Webber, Elton John and the Beatles could come up with a better song for their head of state.

I was watching a whole barge full of Royals wafting their way down the Thames when the band struck up the most AWESOME tune. It was so familiar I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It stirred a happy and kind of nostalgic feeling. All the Brits were thoroughly enjoying the song --even Camilla who is usually carefully occupied with trying to be invisible. She appeared to be getting her groove on with the song--tilting her chin upward and snapping her head to and fro as she belted out the song with a huge smile on her face. Everyone was singing. This was a cool song, if only I could place it.

Then it came to me. They were singing Pomp and Circumstance, the national anthem of high school graduations all over America. Have we stolen yet another song from the mother country? Except in England it’s called “Land of Hope and Glory” and it turns out you sing along with it. Who knew the song had lyrics? Or that people actually sang them? 

I found the song on iTunes and looked up the lyrics.  I have to vote for this one to replace the Queen Song. The lyrics are much better.

     Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the free
     How shall we extol thee, who are born of thee?
     Wider still, and wider, shall thou bounds be set
     God who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet
     God who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet

It just makes my Anglo genes stir. I can feel a hankering for haggis coming on whenever I hear it. I started getting into the great British classics. I looked up Jerusalem. I found it unworthy of notice but I looked it up. I hope I get credit for that. I went back to Land of Hope and Glory as my new favorite. I’ll be the only grandmother singing the lyrics at Sarah’s high school graduation. And if they ever have a Nerd of the Year competition I could use it. I downloaded the song and put it on a playlist right after Amy Winehouse singing Rehab. I like to mix up my music a bit and I’ll bet those two songs haven’t been paired before.

What? She’s British. It all makes perfect sense to me.


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