Freeway 101

I know now what my obituary will say. Or, at least, I have an idea of how I will go. It will be in a car trying to multi-task and doing a poor job of it.

I recently read the latest diet book by Oprah’s medical guru, Dr Oz. This is a different man than Oprah’s fitness guru or her personal chef, who have each written a book. But, you can bet anybody who is Oprah’s expert on any subject has just gotta have the straight scoop. So I read this book and took it to heart. Dr Oz says it’s not your weight that matters; it’s your waist size. Well, at this point I’m screwed no matter what. Any way you measure, by weight or by waist, I am in deep doo-doo. But this book told me that I just need a little work on my abs, is all, and Dr Oz assures me that once I’ve done that, I will have a long and healthy life. Something about muscle burning fat. It sounded like a plan to me.

So, in Dr Oz’s book he says you can do a lot of exercises right there in your car, driving down the road. Now, maybe Dr Oz meant in slow town-driving, maybe in five o’clock traffic or at red lights. But the problem is I do most of my driving on Interstate 30 going back and forth to Garland from our little home here in paradise. I spend very little time in five o’clock traffic now that I’ve retired and become peaceful.

Sunday night I decided I could do exercises there in the car on my way home from Garland. I figured out a really good workout, too. I tilted the seat way back, not really reclined to a sleeping position but tilted back enough that I had plenty of room for a perfect sit up right there in the car.

I was really proud of this stroke of brilliance….and I have to say I got in a lot of crunches and was starting to work up a sweat right there in the comfort of my own car. Then the phone rang.

The problem was that I was listening to my new iPod and I had the devil of a time figuring out how to turn the iPod off so I could answer the phone. I’m still a little new to the iPod. I just got it about a week ago but I was already hooked. I love the way I can design my own playlist to include all of my favorite music, which is an eclectic mixture of Big Band, Rock and Roll, Blue Grass and a little Christian music.

My first problem answering the phone was figuring out which pocket the iPod was in because I have just pockets and pockets stuffed with stuff. I’ve got my pedometer in one pocket so I can measure how far I’ve walked in a day. The pedometer doubles as a watch so while I may not know if I’ve walked enough that day I always know what time it is. Besides, with doing sit ups in the car I may not need to walk that much anymore.

Anyway, while I was trying to figure out which pocket the phone and the iPod were in I unbuckled my seat belt and then tore off one of the earpieces so I could talk on the phone should I ever find it, which was no guarantee since it was in another pocket and I wasn’t sure which one. Pulling out the earpiece did the trick and I didn’t have to worry any more about actually turning off the iPod. Then I started checking the other pockets for the phone but all I could come up with was my pen and an assortment of notes to myself.

All of this, mind you, still maintaining the 80 mph you need to go on a freeway to keep the trucks from running over you. Because, you know, nobody goes the speed limit on freeways anymore. Then I noticed I had 18-wheelers on either side of me. I think they might have pulled up when they noticed me doing my sit ups.

So, that is how I will go. I will be crushed between two 18-wheelers while I’m trying to answer the phone and disconnect my iPod while I’m doing my sit ups in the car.

“Jane Els was killed in a tragic accident driving down Interstate 30 the other day. She was crushed beyond recognition after being sandwiched between two 18-wheelers. Her iPod was still playing “Chattanooga Choo Choo” as the paramedics cut her lifeless body out of the car using the “jaws of life” which apparently this time did not live up to their lofty name. She is survived by her husband, Beaven, and two daughters who will spend the afternoon of her funeral fighting over her jewelry. She leaves behind many unfinished wood working projects, which her family will probably throw into the coffin with her. At her death, however, she had the beginnings of a great set of abs.”