I woke up Friday morning to hear the television tell me Russia had invaded Georgia. I hadn’t even had a cup of coffee yet and my world was about to come to an end. “Oh my God,” I thought, “I’ve got to call Uncle Sonny in Macon and see if he’s OK. We’ll have to invite them to come stay with us. I hope we have room. He’ll want to bring all his kids and grandkids. God, I hope they don’t bring any pets with them. We have enough problems with three dogs. Wait a minute! We’ll need to go help him instead. I’ve got to go pack the car. Where are the guns? We’ve hidden a couple at our house. I’ve got to find them and then find the bullets for them. I think the guns are in the back of the closet but I can’t remember where we put the bullets.”
“Now why on earth do they want to invade Georgia? Georgia never did anything to anybody. Poor Georgia gets it all the time. Remember that scene where they burned down Atlanta in Gone With the Wind?”
“ There’s no telling when they’ll be here in Texas. It’s only a matter of time before they finish destroying Georgia and move on to Alabama and Mississippi. Then it will be Louisiana and then Texas will be next. They’re coming straight for us. I’ll need to call all my friends at the PDA camp in Mississippi. Chances are the Russians can’t do too much damage to a hurricane recovery camp but I know they have a whole freezer stocked with ice cream. We can kiss that goodbye.
I knew this would happen when we elected a president from Texas. We’re living on borrowed time. We need to cash in all our retirement money and hide it under the mattress. But if the Russians take over will dollars still be any good? Maybe I should convert everything to gold. I wonder where I can buy gold bars? Where did I put my jewelry?”
“We should probably stockpile water and toilet paper, too. You never know with these things. Maybe if I had my TV tuned to a rerun of Dr Zhivago it might help when they break down the door. Where are all the old video tapes?”
“It’s a good thing I live out here in the boondocks. Maybe they won’t be so interested in raping and pillaging out here in the woods.” I looked back at the TV to see Russian tanks driving through dense brush. “Oh, no, they are in the woods, too!” I knew they wouldn’t hesitate to run over my dogs. Poor old Friday. He’s toast. He has a hard enough time getting out of the way of cars when we go on our walks. He’ll be no match for a tank.
“Food! I’ve got to stockpile food!” My heart was racing by this time as I grabbed my car keys to get to the store for the last remaining box of chocolate cake mix. “No, wait, Peaches!! They’ll mow down all the peach trees with their tanks. While I’m at the store getting cake mix, water and toilet paper I’ll need to buy every last peach they have in the store. Maybe I should even get a couple of Mrs. Smith’s peach pies while I’m there. Once they start driving their tanks down the road in front of our house I won’t have time to bake a pie from scratch. The frozen ones will come in handy then. I wonder if I should get a couple of cobblers while I’m at it?”
Then the TV updated the video they were showing. The announcer said, “The Russian army has invaded the former Soviet Union state of Georgia.”
It was a good thing I caught the mistake before I left for the store. I still had my pajamas on.