I’m in Guatemala this week on a Mayan Spirituality Retreat. We’re supposed to be spending the week tromping around ancient Mayan ruins and discussing matter of spiritual import with our hermanas y hermanos from Presbiterio del Norte. But I’m really going just to see old friends and spend some time relaxing. Maybe I’ll have something wise to say when I get home.
In the meantime, I’m leaving the finale to Part One of the Flamingo Chronicles for Elizabeth to post. This is not the last you will hear of Fannie--her adventures are far from over.
For those of you who have been on tenterhooks waiting for the identity of Fannie’s kidnappers, I will reveal the answer. I met personally with the kidnappers last night and the mystery is solved.
But first, let me recap our adventure and let you try to guess it yourself.
When I went to Guatemala, Linda Terpstra bought me a beanie baby flamingo that would fit easily in my suitcase. Fannie stayed on the supply shelf in the recovery room for most of the week, acting as cheerleader for the patients and the toys in the box below her. On Thursday we were visited in the hospital by a live Toucan, who was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen. At lunch the next day I first realized that Fannie was missing.
At the airport coming home I looked in my backpack to find a 6 inch stuffed Toucan puppet. I never saw anybody put the puppet in my backpack. Back home I installed him in my window to watch for Fannie.
About a week after coming home I received a photo of a flock of live flamingos in my mailbox (no postage, hand-delivered) and a ransom note. The note demanded answers to certain questions the kidnappers would present over the coming days.
Over the last month I received anonymous e-mail from a source only identified by the address : flamingo_freedom@hotmail.com I couldn’t believe anyone was so into this as to set up a totally separate e-mail box. The birdnappers and I corresponded on a regular basis.
Then the drama picked up last week. I went to the mailbox to find a small clear plastic box filled with pink feathers and two bleak eyes staring out. Clearly a flamingo had been “offed” when I failed to answer one of the questions correctly. In my agony, I responded to the kidnappers that I hoped it would not be Fannie (my favorite) but maybe one of the other birds, possibly Francine. I reasoned aloud that nobody really liked Francine anyway. Remember how she was always futzing about my house making centerpieces out of old coffee grounds and banana peels? And how Fred finally stuffed her leg down her throat because she tried to reupholster the couch while he was sitting in it? Francine always got on my nerves.
The same day I got a message that the bird in the box was not Francine but Fernando, an obnoxious neighbor. And that I had rendered Francine catatonic with my hurtful remarks. They said that she had gone over the edge in her grief and pain to become Muslim.
However, the kidnappers told me I could have the birds back if I provided a bucket of chicken at 6:30 last night. I was so excited I called both of my daughters and invited them and their husbands for the grand release. Our whole family had become involved in the mystery and I felt it only right for them to see who was behind all this fun. Colonel Sanders all around.
-----------
I came home with the chicken a few minutes before 6:30 and found both sets of kids in the living room waiting.
We waited. And waited. About 6:45 I started looking outside for a car. Then I happened to look in the back yard and what should I see there but two plastic flamingos in the garden. I looked back to see Emily grinning from ear to ear.
It had been Emily and Steve all along. With Elizabeth and Jeff as silent co-conspirators. Even Beaven was in on it.
I immediately recognized Farfel there in the garden right where he was supposed to be and Fred looking in my window at the TV set. Emily said the rest had to stay in storage until the church auction.
While I was in Guatemala, Emily and Steve were on vacation at Disneyworld. They saw an exhibit of live flamingos and decided to take a picture of them to bring home to me. When we all got home and I told them the story of Fannie being missing, they picked up on the kidnapping idea and ran with it. And what a ride it has been!
I’ll have to say I’m a little sad that it’s over. In some ways, I feel like I’ve lost a playmate. But I’ve also gained several others….the grackles, Harold, Clarice….I may be playing for a long time.
Who did I think it was? I was absolutely convinced it was Patty Bechtol. She was on the trip to Guatemala and had access to Fannie there in the recovery room. She had access to my backpack in the airport. She works near my house and was on her way home during the two times something was hand-delivered to my mailbox. I was so sure it was Patty that I was even a little disappointed to find out it was Emily.
We are still left with the question, “Where is the “real” Fannie? I don’t know. Obviously, she is in Guatemala. Beyond that, I don’t have a clue.
Patty told me that she and Fannie had many a conversation late at night in the recovery room and Fannie expressed an interest in nursing. Patty said that there are a couple of accelerated classes Fannie might be able to take there in Guatemala. She said for me to not be surprised to find Fannie at the hospital when we return—but this time as a nurse.
But for those of you who have hung in there and joined me on my adventure, especially for you who sent Emily e-mail messages saying “Free Fannie”, thanks for coming along with me. I’ve enjoyed it. I hope you have, too.
About Me
- Jane
- I'm pretty much a typist for the Holy Spirit. I try to put those things into words in a blog called Jane's Journey. I have another blog for recipes called My Life in Food. Also Really Cool Stuff features Labyrinths and other things like how to fry an egg on the sidewalk.(first step: don't do it on the sidewalk, use a skillet) Come along with me as I careen through life.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Finding Fannie
I’m back from Synod Youth Workshop and packing this week for Guatemala. I may run into my old friend there…..but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Last week you read about the abduction of Fannie in Guatemala and the e-mail I received. Today we join the search for Fannie starting with my response to the ransom note:
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:31:49 -0600
You can expect my full cooperation. Which friends do you have? I should have guessed when she disappeared in Guatemala that I could expect fowl-play. (excuse me, I couldn't let that one pass.)
But when I realized I desperately needed a recipe for Baked Alaska I naturally thought of Francine first. I knew that most of the birds spend the night at the church during their forced hibernation. However, I also remembered that Fred was probably still in the Peavys' flower bed watching TV through the window...The Larry King Show was still on. So I went and alerted Fred to the situation. He is on his way up to the church now to get the others for their help. I sure hope they're all still there. I know everybody thinks Fred is such a big boozy grouch, but he really has a soft spot in his heart for Fannie. They all do.
It's late right now and I need my sleep. I'll leave the Toucan in the window as a lookout. Please tell me you don't have the others as well, I will really need their help in solving your questions.
I've got cookbooks scattered all over the floor and Francine is the only one who can help!!!
You will hear from me before 48 hours is up. Don't do anything rash.
Jane
Does the "Flamingo Bureau of Investigation" ring any bells? I won't hesitate to bring in the big guys if you hurt Fannie.
--also--
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:09:12 -0600
Here are the ingredients:
ice cream (1 qt)
cake (6 small sponge short cakes)
egg whites (6)
cream of tartar (1/2 tsp.)
sugar (1 cup)
I hope this will be enough. I'm going out of town until Sunday morning. Please cut me a little slack on your time table. I'm trying to work with you.
How is Fannie?
Fred is worried sick. And Fern is standing outside in the rain watching for her....yes, In the RAIN!!!
Jane
==========
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 19:54:51 PST
SO NOW YOU SEE HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED, MS. ELS. I WISHED THE FLAMINGOS SHARED YOUR CONFIDENCE. WE MANAGED TO ROUND UP THE REST OF THE FLOCK EXCEPT FOR FRED. WE ARE WATCHING FOR HIM - BE CAREFUL!
WE WILL LEAVE YOU WITH FRED-FOR NOW.
QUESTION #2
EVERYBODY KNOWS PRESIDENT CLINTON IS BEING IMPEACHED. WHO WAS THE ONLY SITTING PRESIDENT TO BE IMPEACHED BEFORE CLINTON?
YOU HAVE TILL MONDAY BEFORE 9:OO PM
AND MRS. ELS- DON'T EVEN THINK OF CALLING YOUR SO CALLED FBI OR FRANCINE SHEDS HER FEATHERS (IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK
F.F.F.
We got back in town Saturday morning to find a plain manila envelope in the mailbox. Inside was a color photograph of a flamingo that I recognized immediately as Fannie. In the background were the rest, except for Fred. A computer printed note said the same stuff about not contacting the police and waiting for further instructions. It was from the Flamingo Freedom Fighters. I’ll get Fred to check the picture over and see if he can tell where they’re being held. In the meantime, I got another e-mail.
========
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: JELS@FLASH.NET
Subject: TICK TOCK
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 15:24:31 PST
TICK TOCK
TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
==========
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: TICK TOCK
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 19:52:12 -0600
Andrew Johnson.
============
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: JELS@FLASH.NET
Subject: IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER
Date: Mon, 01 Feb 1999 17:09:39 PST
MS. ELS,
PERHAPS WE HAVE BEEN TO EASY WITH YOU. PERHAPS WE HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOUR KNOWLEDGE. HOWEVER, HERE IS A QUESTION THAT WILL HAVE YOU PRAYING TO BOB VILLA FOR THE ANSWER:
WHAT COMMON SOLVENT IS DISTILLED FROM PINE TREES?
ONE WRONG ANSWER AND YOU'LL NEED TO START COLLECTING A DIFFERENT FLOCK! YOU HAVE UNTIL TUESDAY AT 9:00 YOUR TIME TO ANSWER.
DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER OR DOES FANNIE GET HER FEATHERS THINNED?
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
F.F.F.
Another exchange of e-mails followed and life tried to return to normal. Fred returned to the couch in the den to watch TV.
And, of course, the Super Bowl was on Sunday night. So Fred wanted to invite a few friends over to watch it. I didn’t figure it could hurt much since Beaven and I weren’t planning to watch the game anyway. I figured there would be room for a few friends. I never dreamed he would invite GRACKLES. And a WHOLE FLOCK of them!! Grackles are noisy enough in your yard—try them in your den. With beer. And cigars-- did I mention they all smoke cigars??!! So, you can imagine what my house looks and smells like this morning.
Also, Fannie’s cousin Clarice flew in from Oklahoma City tonight after hearing the news. I put her in the window under where the Toucan is hanging. (Did I ever mention his name? It’s Harold.) I figured they can watch out the front window together. I may be wrong, but I think I sensed an immediate chemistry between the two of them. You know how those girls from Oklahoma City are. Not at all as sweet and innocent as my Fannie.
So, now I had a Hot-To-Trot Couple of Amorous Aviaries in my front window, a flock of cigar smoking Grackles all over my lawn and an overweight, lonesome flamingo on my couch. Not to mention the cigar butts and feathers everywhere.
--------------------
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 22:01:01 -0600
Turpentine
In the meantime, life went on as always here at home. We managed as best as we could without our friends. My garden suffered without Farfel. Frank’s many projects lay half-done. We did have a roofer come and finish the new roof he had started but we left his other projects waiting for his release.
I was losing patience with their games.
---------
Later that same day I went to the mailbox to find one of those clear plastic disposable containers, like you pack a sandwich in. Only it contained not a sandwich but a flamingo. Bright pink feathers hung limply out past the lid. Two lifeless eyes stared out. I was devastated at the thought of Fannie being sacrificed. All I could do was sit on the couch and stare into space.
That’s when Harold, the Toucan, flew into action. Little did I know that he had been watching me on the computer all this time while he hung there in my window. Harold had taught himself e-mail in his spare time! He took over for me with the next e-mail to the kidnappers:
______________
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: PHASE II
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 15:05:24 -0600
Dear F.F.F.
I'm afraid that now you've gone and done it. Jane is in tears. She's sitting on the couch overcome by grief and I'm not sure Fred and the rest of us will be able to console her.
When Jane went to the mail today and found pink feathers in a box (and those two bright but lifeless eyes!!)--Oh, how COULD you!! She was cooperating with you! How could you do this to her?
Then, upon second thought, we all decided that it could possibly be, not Fannie, but Francine. And NOBODY liked her to start with. Please tell us that was Francine.
Do you realize what you’ve done if that is Fannie wadded up in that box?
Life was starting to settle down to a routine. In fact, things were looking up for Fred. Definitely looking up for Fred.
But now you've upset the applecart. I'm afraid the jig is up. Return Fannie to Jane at once or face the wrath of several irritated birds.
signed,
Harold Toucan
and his friends:
Fred Flamingo,
Clarice Flamingo (currently working at Baylor Hospital, Garland),
and, of course, the Grackles
Gary
Gerald
George
Greta
Garfield
and their big brother,
Bubba (Believe me, you don’t want to mess with Bubba.)
-------
their response:
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: Francine
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 15:38:31 PST
THAT WASN’T FANNIE. IT WAS FERNANDO. HE WAS A NEIGHBOR WHO GOT ON OUR NERVES. IT WAS ONLY A WARNING OF WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.
SO THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FRANCINE? POOR FRANCINE SAW YOUR DAMAGING EMAIL AND HAS BECOME CATATONIC. SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN A WORD SINCE.
BE AT YOUR HOUSE TOMMOROW AT 6:30PM WITH A BUCKET OF CHICKEN. WE WILL DELIVER THE BIRDS THEN. AND REMEMBER MRS ELS - NO COPS. NO FBI. OR
FANNIE GETS IT.
F.F.F.
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: Francine
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 06:53:23 -0600
It's a deal. Regular or Extra Crispy? Or is that too delicate an issue around there?
Anxiously awaiting their release. All their friends are so excited! Harold just about pooped on my window sill.
Jane
Next week: The kidnappers are revealed and we rest for a while. But the story of Fannie is not nearly over
Last week you read about the abduction of Fannie in Guatemala and the e-mail I received. Today we join the search for Fannie starting with my response to the ransom note:
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:31:49 -0600
You can expect my full cooperation. Which friends do you have? I should have guessed when she disappeared in Guatemala that I could expect fowl-play. (excuse me, I couldn't let that one pass.)
But when I realized I desperately needed a recipe for Baked Alaska I naturally thought of Francine first. I knew that most of the birds spend the night at the church during their forced hibernation. However, I also remembered that Fred was probably still in the Peavys' flower bed watching TV through the window...The Larry King Show was still on. So I went and alerted Fred to the situation. He is on his way up to the church now to get the others for their help. I sure hope they're all still there. I know everybody thinks Fred is such a big boozy grouch, but he really has a soft spot in his heart for Fannie. They all do.
It's late right now and I need my sleep. I'll leave the Toucan in the window as a lookout. Please tell me you don't have the others as well, I will really need their help in solving your questions.
I've got cookbooks scattered all over the floor and Francine is the only one who can help!!!
You will hear from me before 48 hours is up. Don't do anything rash.
Jane
Does the "Flamingo Bureau of Investigation" ring any bells? I won't hesitate to bring in the big guys if you hurt Fannie.
--also--
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:09:12 -0600
Here are the ingredients:
ice cream (1 qt)
cake (6 small sponge short cakes)
egg whites (6)
cream of tartar (1/2 tsp.)
sugar (1 cup)
I hope this will be enough. I'm going out of town until Sunday morning. Please cut me a little slack on your time table. I'm trying to work with you.
How is Fannie?
Fred is worried sick. And Fern is standing outside in the rain watching for her....yes, In the RAIN!!!
Jane
==========
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: Re: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 19:54:51 PST
SO NOW YOU SEE HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED, MS. ELS. I WISHED THE FLAMINGOS SHARED YOUR CONFIDENCE. WE MANAGED TO ROUND UP THE REST OF THE FLOCK EXCEPT FOR FRED. WE ARE WATCHING FOR HIM - BE CAREFUL!
WE WILL LEAVE YOU WITH FRED-FOR NOW.
QUESTION #2
EVERYBODY KNOWS PRESIDENT CLINTON IS BEING IMPEACHED. WHO WAS THE ONLY SITTING PRESIDENT TO BE IMPEACHED BEFORE CLINTON?
YOU HAVE TILL MONDAY BEFORE 9:OO PM
AND MRS. ELS- DON'T EVEN THINK OF CALLING YOUR SO CALLED FBI OR FRANCINE SHEDS HER FEATHERS (IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK
F.F.F.
We got back in town Saturday morning to find a plain manila envelope in the mailbox. Inside was a color photograph of a flamingo that I recognized immediately as Fannie. In the background were the rest, except for Fred. A computer printed note said the same stuff about not contacting the police and waiting for further instructions. It was from the Flamingo Freedom Fighters. I’ll get Fred to check the picture over and see if he can tell where they’re being held. In the meantime, I got another e-mail.
========
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: JELS@FLASH.NET
Subject: TICK TOCK
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 15:24:31 PST
TICK TOCK
TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
==========
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: TICK TOCK
Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 19:52:12 -0600
Andrew Johnson.
============
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: JELS@FLASH.NET
Subject: IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER
Date: Mon, 01 Feb 1999 17:09:39 PST
MS. ELS,
PERHAPS WE HAVE BEEN TO EASY WITH YOU. PERHAPS WE HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOUR KNOWLEDGE. HOWEVER, HERE IS A QUESTION THAT WILL HAVE YOU PRAYING TO BOB VILLA FOR THE ANSWER:
WHAT COMMON SOLVENT IS DISTILLED FROM PINE TREES?
ONE WRONG ANSWER AND YOU'LL NEED TO START COLLECTING A DIFFERENT FLOCK! YOU HAVE UNTIL TUESDAY AT 9:00 YOUR TIME TO ANSWER.
DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER OR DOES FANNIE GET HER FEATHERS THINNED?
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
F.F.F.
Another exchange of e-mails followed and life tried to return to normal. Fred returned to the couch in the den to watch TV.
And, of course, the Super Bowl was on Sunday night. So Fred wanted to invite a few friends over to watch it. I didn’t figure it could hurt much since Beaven and I weren’t planning to watch the game anyway. I figured there would be room for a few friends. I never dreamed he would invite GRACKLES. And a WHOLE FLOCK of them!! Grackles are noisy enough in your yard—try them in your den. With beer. And cigars-- did I mention they all smoke cigars??!! So, you can imagine what my house looks and smells like this morning.
Also, Fannie’s cousin Clarice flew in from Oklahoma City tonight after hearing the news. I put her in the window under where the Toucan is hanging. (Did I ever mention his name? It’s Harold.) I figured they can watch out the front window together. I may be wrong, but I think I sensed an immediate chemistry between the two of them. You know how those girls from Oklahoma City are. Not at all as sweet and innocent as my Fannie.
So, now I had a Hot-To-Trot Couple of Amorous Aviaries in my front window, a flock of cigar smoking Grackles all over my lawn and an overweight, lonesome flamingo on my couch. Not to mention the cigar butts and feathers everywhere.
--------------------
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 22:01:01 -0600
Turpentine
In the meantime, life went on as always here at home. We managed as best as we could without our friends. My garden suffered without Farfel. Frank’s many projects lay half-done. We did have a roofer come and finish the new roof he had started but we left his other projects waiting for his release.
I was losing patience with their games.
---------
Later that same day I went to the mailbox to find one of those clear plastic disposable containers, like you pack a sandwich in. Only it contained not a sandwich but a flamingo. Bright pink feathers hung limply out past the lid. Two lifeless eyes stared out. I was devastated at the thought of Fannie being sacrificed. All I could do was sit on the couch and stare into space.
That’s when Harold, the Toucan, flew into action. Little did I know that he had been watching me on the computer all this time while he hung there in my window. Harold had taught himself e-mail in his spare time! He took over for me with the next e-mail to the kidnappers:
______________
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: PHASE II
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 15:05:24 -0600
Dear F.F.F.
I'm afraid that now you've gone and done it. Jane is in tears. She's sitting on the couch overcome by grief and I'm not sure Fred and the rest of us will be able to console her.
When Jane went to the mail today and found pink feathers in a box (and those two bright but lifeless eyes!!)--Oh, how COULD you!! She was cooperating with you! How could you do this to her?
Then, upon second thought, we all decided that it could possibly be, not Fannie, but Francine. And NOBODY liked her to start with. Please tell us that was Francine.
Do you realize what you’ve done if that is Fannie wadded up in that box?
Life was starting to settle down to a routine. In fact, things were looking up for Fred. Definitely looking up for Fred.
But now you've upset the applecart. I'm afraid the jig is up. Return Fannie to Jane at once or face the wrath of several irritated birds.
signed,
Harold Toucan
and his friends:
Fred Flamingo,
Clarice Flamingo (currently working at Baylor Hospital, Garland),
and, of course, the Grackles
Gary
Gerald
George
Greta
Garfield
and their big brother,
Bubba (Believe me, you don’t want to mess with Bubba.)
-------
their response:
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: Francine
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 15:38:31 PST
THAT WASN’T FANNIE. IT WAS FERNANDO. HE WAS A NEIGHBOR WHO GOT ON OUR NERVES. IT WAS ONLY A WARNING OF WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.
SO THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FRANCINE? POOR FRANCINE SAW YOUR DAMAGING EMAIL AND HAS BECOME CATATONIC. SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN A WORD SINCE.
BE AT YOUR HOUSE TOMMOROW AT 6:30PM WITH A BUCKET OF CHICKEN. WE WILL DELIVER THE BIRDS THEN. AND REMEMBER MRS ELS - NO COPS. NO FBI. OR
FANNIE GETS IT.
F.F.F.
From: "Jane Els"
To: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
Subject: Re: Francine
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 06:53:23 -0600
It's a deal. Regular or Extra Crispy? Or is that too delicate an issue around there?
Anxiously awaiting their release. All their friends are so excited! Harold just about pooped on my window sill.
Jane
Next week: The kidnappers are revealed and we rest for a while. But the story of Fannie is not nearly over
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Fabulous Adventures of the Flamingo Family part two-Fannie Goes to Guatemala
By the time January of 1999 arrived Fannie Flamingo and her family had become so very real to me that people were starting to look at me funny. I decided to go to Guatemala on a medical mission trip. Not as a brain surgeon like most people expected, but as a cook.
When friends heard me talking about taking Fannie with me they thought I was nuts. They also thought I intended to take a pink plastic lawn decoration. They didn’t realize Fannie is no plastic thing, she is as real as Santa Claus.
“Jane you can’t take a pink flamingo. It won’t fit into your suitcase.”
Or
“You can’t do this, the customs guys will think it’s full of drugs.”
So, Linda Terpstra, one of the girls on the team bought a flamingo beanie baby and gave it to me. It was the perfect size for my suitcase. I planned to give it to one of the kids recovering from surgery after Fannie had kept me company and had her fun.
What I didn’t know was that the Adventures of Fannie Flamingo would only get more bizzare.
I kept a journal of the mission trip and here are a few excerpts:
Thursday, January 14th:
“…I walked down the Eye Hall (one wing of the hospital dedicated to cataract and other eye surgeries) and saw a toucan in the hall, perched on a man’s arm. That’s right, a real live bird in the hospital. As I got closer, the man moved into the examining room where several medical people were standing around taking pictures of each other holding the bird on their arms or shoulders.
By this time, nothing in the place shocked me. I had watched them cut up a dead cow right in the kitchen for the night’s meal just that morning. So a tropical bird in the hospital was no big deal. Yes, he was pooping-- but it’s not like he was in the operating room, or anything. Yes, he was flapping his wings and feathers were flying everywhere. But it was a nice break from a tense and tedious day. It was something to cheer everybody up-patients and doctors, alike.
I have to admit he was a beautiful bird. He had a sleek black head and body. A brilliant yellow throat. The beak started yellow around the eyes and added a neon green as it became the beak. There were blue and Azure markings, ending in a bright red tip on the beak. The bright red gave him the appearance of lips. He was gorgeous. Everyone wanted their picture taken with him. I wish now I had my picture taken with him.”
Friday, January 15th:
“I had brought Fannie like I said I would. She’s just that kind of bird. She wanted to see the action and help out where she could. Fannie spent the first couple of days with me in my dorm room. She flitted around helping set up and getting settled. When the action got started I knew she would want to be in the Recovery Room. I took her to Patty Bechtol who had the 7 to 3 shift. Patty put her up on the supplies shelf where she could look down on the action. By Thursday, Fannie had a good handle on things. Patty said Fannie would encourage the other toys in the toy box and send them out with a discharged patient full of advice and good humor. “Go give that little girl a hug, she needs it!” or “Take really good care of that little boy there, he gets scared sometimes.” It was just that type of cheerleading that Fannie’s so good at. Patty said that there was a little girl with a double cleft lip repair scheduled for Friday and she thought that Fannie would want to go home with that little girl.
So, Friday, at lunchtime, I went to Recovery to check things out. Fannie was nowhere to be found! She wasn’t perched up on the shelf. She wasn’t in the toy box. She wasn’t behind the boxes of gauze or gloves. We looked everywhere. We asked everyone who might have seen her or anyone taking her. The bird was just gone.
Then, to my horror, I remembered the toucan from the day before. How attractive he was-- with that coat of sleek black feathers and colored beak. And those ruby red beak tips!! He was just the kind of male to drive a female wild. I know the type. I’ve seen them before. Most women I know understand that these kind are NO GOOD. He probably wanders from hospital to hospital, or entertains from one town to the next. No solid home life. No nest. And I know Fannie is a nesting-type. She will see through him soon enough. I can’t believe she ever fell for him to start with.
We kept looking for the remainder of the week and asked everyone we could think of who might have taken her. So many times the hospital staff would take a special interest in a kid and give them a toy out of the toy box. But most on the staff had already met Fannie and knew how special she was.
There is no way a patient would have taken her. They’re not that kind of people. She just vanished.
We may never know the truth. But I expect a phone call from Fannie any day now, asking for birdseed money while she flies the distance home. She will see through his brilliant plumage soon enough and see that he’s all fluff and no future. A sadder but wiser bird.”
Another entry from Tuesday, January 19th:
“…..The whole team stayed overnight at a really neat hotel in Antigua. Beautifully landscaped lawn with parrots on perches. I talked to a couple of the parrots but none had seen Fannie “
and the last entry, from Wednesday, January 20th:
“…There is one interesting footnote: When I got home and unpacked my backpack I found a small stuffed toucan just about Fannie’s size. I don’t know how he got there but I have an idea. I’ve hung him up in the window of my study looking out. Maybe he will spot Fannie or vice versa. I’m still angry with him and don’t trust him a bit. I’ve never trusted males who are too attractive for their own good. You see what happened to Fannie. “
Ok, folks, that’s the end of my entries. Now, for the fun part.
The following e-mail showed up in my in-box one night after I got home. No joke. I have no idea who sent it. You’ll notice that the culprit went to the trouble of setting up a totally unique e-mail address. This could have come from literally anywhere in the world. There were people on the hospital team who knew this the running story of Fannie Flamingo and who live in cities across the USA, even other countries. We had a couple of eye people from Japan and one interpreter from Austria. This e-mail could have come from anywhere on this planet.
And that’s what I love about it. I don’t know who sent it and I don’t care. I’m having far too much fun as it is right now. Read on…….
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 18:13:29 PST
WE HAVE FANNIE AND HER FRIENDS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT THE POLICE.YOU WILL SOON RECEIVE PROOF - THIS IS NO JOKE.
THESE ARE THE RULES OF THE GAME. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THESE RULES - THE FLAMINGOS WILL PAY THE PRICE.
RULE #1
YOU WILL BE ASKED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ANSWERED WITHIN THE
ALOTTED TIME VIA E-MAIL TO THIS ADDRESS.
RULE #2
YOU MUST ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY.
RULE #3
IF YOU FAIL TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS IN THE ALOTTED TIME CORRECTLY, THE
BIRD GETS IT.
QUESTION #1
LIST THE INGREDIENTS FOR A BAKED ALASKA
YOU HAVE 48 HRS TO RESPOND.
WE WILL BE IN CONTACT WITH FURTHER QUESTIONS- IF YOU DON'T BLOW IT WITH
THE FIRST QUESTION.
THE FLAMINGOS ARE COUNTING ON YOU - YOU EVER HEARD A FLOCK OF FLAMINGOS
CRY?
F.F.F
Next week: "The Search for Fannie"
When friends heard me talking about taking Fannie with me they thought I was nuts. They also thought I intended to take a pink plastic lawn decoration. They didn’t realize Fannie is no plastic thing, she is as real as Santa Claus.
“Jane you can’t take a pink flamingo. It won’t fit into your suitcase.”
Or
“You can’t do this, the customs guys will think it’s full of drugs.”
So, Linda Terpstra, one of the girls on the team bought a flamingo beanie baby and gave it to me. It was the perfect size for my suitcase. I planned to give it to one of the kids recovering from surgery after Fannie had kept me company and had her fun.
What I didn’t know was that the Adventures of Fannie Flamingo would only get more bizzare.
I kept a journal of the mission trip and here are a few excerpts:
Thursday, January 14th:
“…I walked down the Eye Hall (one wing of the hospital dedicated to cataract and other eye surgeries) and saw a toucan in the hall, perched on a man’s arm. That’s right, a real live bird in the hospital. As I got closer, the man moved into the examining room where several medical people were standing around taking pictures of each other holding the bird on their arms or shoulders.
By this time, nothing in the place shocked me. I had watched them cut up a dead cow right in the kitchen for the night’s meal just that morning. So a tropical bird in the hospital was no big deal. Yes, he was pooping-- but it’s not like he was in the operating room, or anything. Yes, he was flapping his wings and feathers were flying everywhere. But it was a nice break from a tense and tedious day. It was something to cheer everybody up-patients and doctors, alike.
I have to admit he was a beautiful bird. He had a sleek black head and body. A brilliant yellow throat. The beak started yellow around the eyes and added a neon green as it became the beak. There were blue and Azure markings, ending in a bright red tip on the beak. The bright red gave him the appearance of lips. He was gorgeous. Everyone wanted their picture taken with him. I wish now I had my picture taken with him.”
Friday, January 15th:
“I had brought Fannie like I said I would. She’s just that kind of bird. She wanted to see the action and help out where she could. Fannie spent the first couple of days with me in my dorm room. She flitted around helping set up and getting settled. When the action got started I knew she would want to be in the Recovery Room. I took her to Patty Bechtol who had the 7 to 3 shift. Patty put her up on the supplies shelf where she could look down on the action. By Thursday, Fannie had a good handle on things. Patty said Fannie would encourage the other toys in the toy box and send them out with a discharged patient full of advice and good humor. “Go give that little girl a hug, she needs it!” or “Take really good care of that little boy there, he gets scared sometimes.” It was just that type of cheerleading that Fannie’s so good at. Patty said that there was a little girl with a double cleft lip repair scheduled for Friday and she thought that Fannie would want to go home with that little girl.
So, Friday, at lunchtime, I went to Recovery to check things out. Fannie was nowhere to be found! She wasn’t perched up on the shelf. She wasn’t in the toy box. She wasn’t behind the boxes of gauze or gloves. We looked everywhere. We asked everyone who might have seen her or anyone taking her. The bird was just gone.
Then, to my horror, I remembered the toucan from the day before. How attractive he was-- with that coat of sleek black feathers and colored beak. And those ruby red beak tips!! He was just the kind of male to drive a female wild. I know the type. I’ve seen them before. Most women I know understand that these kind are NO GOOD. He probably wanders from hospital to hospital, or entertains from one town to the next. No solid home life. No nest. And I know Fannie is a nesting-type. She will see through him soon enough. I can’t believe she ever fell for him to start with.
We kept looking for the remainder of the week and asked everyone we could think of who might have taken her. So many times the hospital staff would take a special interest in a kid and give them a toy out of the toy box. But most on the staff had already met Fannie and knew how special she was.
There is no way a patient would have taken her. They’re not that kind of people. She just vanished.
We may never know the truth. But I expect a phone call from Fannie any day now, asking for birdseed money while she flies the distance home. She will see through his brilliant plumage soon enough and see that he’s all fluff and no future. A sadder but wiser bird.”
Another entry from Tuesday, January 19th:
“…..The whole team stayed overnight at a really neat hotel in Antigua. Beautifully landscaped lawn with parrots on perches. I talked to a couple of the parrots but none had seen Fannie “
and the last entry, from Wednesday, January 20th:
“…There is one interesting footnote: When I got home and unpacked my backpack I found a small stuffed toucan just about Fannie’s size. I don’t know how he got there but I have an idea. I’ve hung him up in the window of my study looking out. Maybe he will spot Fannie or vice versa. I’m still angry with him and don’t trust him a bit. I’ve never trusted males who are too attractive for their own good. You see what happened to Fannie. “
Ok, folks, that’s the end of my entries. Now, for the fun part.
The following e-mail showed up in my in-box one night after I got home. No joke. I have no idea who sent it. You’ll notice that the culprit went to the trouble of setting up a totally unique e-mail address. This could have come from literally anywhere in the world. There were people on the hospital team who knew this the running story of Fannie Flamingo and who live in cities across the USA, even other countries. We had a couple of eye people from Japan and one interpreter from Austria. This e-mail could have come from anywhere on this planet.
And that’s what I love about it. I don’t know who sent it and I don’t care. I’m having far too much fun as it is right now. Read on…….
From: "FLAMINGO FREEDOM FIGHTERS"
To: jels@flash.net
Subject: FANNIE FLAMINGO
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 18:13:29 PST
WE HAVE FANNIE AND HER FRIENDS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT THE POLICE.YOU WILL SOON RECEIVE PROOF - THIS IS NO JOKE.
THESE ARE THE RULES OF THE GAME. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THESE RULES - THE FLAMINGOS WILL PAY THE PRICE.
RULE #1
YOU WILL BE ASKED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ANSWERED WITHIN THE
ALOTTED TIME VIA E-MAIL TO THIS ADDRESS.
RULE #2
YOU MUST ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY.
RULE #3
IF YOU FAIL TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS IN THE ALOTTED TIME CORRECTLY, THE
BIRD GETS IT.
QUESTION #1
LIST THE INGREDIENTS FOR A BAKED ALASKA
YOU HAVE 48 HRS TO RESPOND.
WE WILL BE IN CONTACT WITH FURTHER QUESTIONS- IF YOU DON'T BLOW IT WITH
THE FIRST QUESTION.
THE FLAMINGOS ARE COUNTING ON YOU - YOU EVER HEARD A FLOCK OF FLAMINGOS
CRY?
F.F.F
Next week: "The Search for Fannie"
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Introducing Fannie Flamingo
Most of my friends know all about Fannie Flamingo. For those who don't, I thought I'd tell the whole saga here. Most of what you will be reading here is found in my little pink booklet, “It’s Hard to Type with Feathers for Fingers.” I will be in and out of town for the next month or so and will probably return with new stories to tell. But, like the time we went to Europe, I will leave enough words to keep everybody occupied each Wednesday.
In the fall of 1998, our church youth group discovered a new fund-raising idea. Other churches had used it with great success but it had never been tried around these parts. You get 20 or 30 of those pink plastic flamingos, the tacky yard decorations you’ve seen but would never buy for yourself . Form 4 or 5 “flocks” and put them in various church members’ front yards. You tell the congregation ahead of time and give them a chance to purchase “insurance” against an invasion of flamingos. The people who are “flamingo-ed” must pay to have them removed and for an even greater fee, they can stipulate where the flock goes next. You can see that the kids get into our pockets coming and going. But there’s no harm done and everyone seems to enjoy the joke.
When it came our turn to have the flamingos visit, I found the birds brought me much more than a smile. They tickled my imagination in a new way and I began to write. As I wrote, I found new friends and I’ve enjoyed watching their lives unfold inside my mind. I haven’t been the same since.
---------
Thursday, November 12, 1998
Dear First Presbyterian Friends and Youth Group :
My Flamingo Flock arrived on my lawn yesterday afternoon. Thank you to whomever sent them. We've enjoyed them so far. Even Beaven, a quiet curmudgeon, agreed that they looked kind of cute out there grazing on our lawn. And our neighbor across the street who has an elaborate Christmas display like you’ve never seen, remarked about what a sight they were.
Then it started raining.
I think it was Fannie who first knocked on our door and wanted in. She said it was cold and her feathers were starting to mat and could she please come in to dry off. I said why, of course, come right in and that she shouldn't be out there on such a horrible night like this. Just as soon as Fannie (whose given name is actually Frances, but she thinks Fannie sounds more friendly) finished toweling off here came Fred at the door.
Fred was a little more blunt. He told me that it was colder than (a profanity) out there and he sure could use a beer. Beaven brought Fred inside and let him warm himself in front of the TV.
When Francine asked to come in I couldn't very well say no. And, really, all she wanted was a little warm soup and the newspaper.
Well, by now it was getting a little crowded in the den and kitchen, not to mentioned the bedroom because Fannie had gone to bed-in our bed. But when the doorbell rang again with Farfel and Frank, we let them in, of course. We had let the others in, after all.
So, now I don't quite know what to make of your gift. Fred is on his third beer and we can't get the remote control from him. Francine has gone through everything in the fridge. And Farfel got into a fight with Frank over who gets to sleep by the window. Our house smells like wet feathers and I think you sent me the "indoors" flock by mistake.
My other problem is that I'm leaving for the middle school retreat tomorrow and I can't guaranteed what will happen with them here alone with Beaven. I can’t imagine what they will eat.
I'll try to let you know how things turn out when I get back.
The following morning I had to add a ps to the letter:
Boy, am I in trouble. I went out to get the paper this morning and found Fern sitting on our porch. Wet, cold and very heart-broken. She said she had been beating on the door all night but we didn't hear her. Fred had the TV going so loud I guess we didn't notice. Fannie helped her dry off and Francine fixed a nice warm breakfast for her. I'm not sure if she’ll ever be the same after this trauma. Frank and Farfel are now worried that there won't be enough room for them all in the house.
Hello??? They're thinking along these lines??? They seem to be taking over. I'm getting a little worried.
I can't stop now, I've got to pack for the middle school youth retreat. I'm putting Francine and Frank in charge while I'm gone, they seem to be the most responsible.
When I got home from Youthquake there was a Flamingo Update:
Maybe I didn’t need to worry. The flamingos were actually unsupervised all weekend and everything in the house looks fine. Beaven decided to go see his Dad in Mt. Pleasant. Frank went with him because they were planning to do some electrical work around the house and Frank offered to help out. Fred didn’t want to go because he had already circled the football games he planned to watch in the TV Guide. I sure hope he didn’t think he was going to invite any of his flamingo friends to come over. It doesn’t look like he did. But Francine has been spending all her time cleaning up feathers and vacuuming. She wants to help me decorate for Thanksgiving; she said my house has "possibilities."
Fannie and Fern have been talking out all Fern’s Flamingo Family of Origin Problems. Fannie thinks Fern’s chronic weepiness go beyond the night she had to sleep in the rain at my house. She thinks Fern needs therapy and said she knows a good therapist.
They said Farfel left early Saturday morning to check on landscaping ideas for our back yard. Wouldn’t that be great if he could tell me what to plant and where? But he said he was going to the Turtle Creek-Oak Lawn area and he hasn’t come home yet. I sure hope he found a warm place to stay Saturday night.
However, that did free up some sleeping space in our house. It’s a little crowded. Maybe if it doesn’t rain tonight, one or two of them could sleep in the yard. I’ll bet they had to sleep outside at everybody else’s house. Frank said he could build bunk beds. But I don’t want them to get too settled because I think they are due to move on within the week. And I KNOW the family I plan to send them to won’t let them stay inside, bunk beds or not
Monday, November 16, 1998
Flamingo Heaven on East Harvard
Farfel showed up late last night and said he has fallen in love with landscaping. Says he spent all those years standing around in people's gardens and never fully appreciated the beauty of flowers. He spent all day at Lee Park and says he has a new appreciation for pansies. He went to the nursery today and bought several plants for our yard and it really does look great. If the weather holds up I think he might stay out there and dig around all the time.
Francine spent the whole day decorating the house and I came home to a "new look." And she says she's not finished yet!! Can't wait to see what else she does. Already she has made a large table decoration out of coffee grounds and discarded banana peels. Of which we have plenty since Fannie and Fern spent the day around the kitchen table discussing Fern's future. Fannie thinks she can get her into a couple of GED classes or even Richland. But Fern isn't sure what she should study. Like Farfel, she is interested in Horticulture (ferns would be a natural specialty, don’tcha think?), but when I suggested helping Farkel in the yard, she just freaked out at the thought of going outside. I guess that all-nighter in the rain really affected her.
Fred is on the couch watching Monday Night Football, which doesn't sit well with Beaven and Frank. They want to watch the Discovery Channel show on Building the Brooklyn Bridge but no one is willing to challenge Fred.. He can get pretty intimidating when he's have a couple of beers. And today, what with Oprah, Montel Williams and Jerry Springer, he's gone through more than a couple.
Frank finished the bunk beds in the front room and cleaned up the garage. He told Beaven he could do a tune up on my car if Beaven wanted him to.
So, that's it here at Flamingo Heaven. We're settling into a happy little family. Louis Gold, the youth group sponsor, called to say the birds aren’t earning any money sitting in my front yard. He plans to come by and move them to another house. If I pay a premium I can pick where they go next. I just hope he waits until Francine is finished with the mural in the bathroom.
Tuesday Flamingo Update:
I got home from work today to find a horrible scene: furniture turned over all through the house and pink feathers everywhere!! Nobody was home except Fred who was sitting in his usual spot in front of the TV. Getting answers out of him is next to impossible, especially during Jeopardy. I knew that Farfel had taken Fern out to the Arboretum for a kind of "test run” to see how she handles the outdoors and to look at all the flowers (and ferns!—I think she is really developing an interest there.) Fannie had gone to Sam’s to apply for a job as one of those ladies who pass out the free samples on Saturdays. I think she’ll do a really good job.
I had to wait until Frank brought Francine home from the hospital a few minutes later.
It turns out that she had tried to re-upholster the sofa while Fred was on it. I think her mistake was to try it during The Jerry Springer Show. Somehow he had managed to stuff one of her legs all the way down her throat. By the time Frank could get in the house from the garage where he was painting, the damage had been done.
Louis called me to say it was time for him to pick up the flock and keep it migrating. And I know just where they need to go.
---------
Mrs. Linda Peavy
111 W. Kenwood
Garland, TX 75041
Dear Linda:
I hope you enjoy your new flock of flamingos. Please let Fern in the house immediately, as she is prone to crying fits when exposed to the outside. I think she’ll get better with a little TLC.
I just know you and Francine will have fun together. She’s really handy around the house and can wallpaper with the best of us. She may be quiet for a while—she has a really sore throat.
Carl should enjoy having a buddy to watch TV with. Warn him, however, to keep a lock on the beer icebox in the garage. Frank can build him a handy cabinet if he wants one.
One of my reasons for choosing you as their next family is that I know Farfel will "approve" of your landscaping- I think he was always secretly horrified at my own attempts. I hope you’ll let him walk back over here from time to time to check on my yard, too. We so enjoyed having him.
You’re on your own with Fred.
Love,
Jane
p.s. You might want to keep Fred and Francine separated for a while.
Thursday, November 19, 1998
Flamingo Update—
Farfel dropped by this afternoon to say that Linda Peavy told them they can’t stay long at her house. Fern is the only one she will let in and the other five are producing more than enough fertilizer for her front yard. Farfel agrees that too much ammonia can be bad for the yard. I’m not sure where Louis will move them to next. I hope somewhere close so that Frank can finish painting the garage. He had to stop to take Francine to the hospital, you know.
I saw Fannie at Sam’s today. She loves her job passing out the free samples. Said she went by a couple of homeless shelters and invited them to come on by. Today she was giving out the tiny little slices of bagel dogs. But I think they get moved around a lot so you may have to hunt for her. But then, how hard is it to miss a bright pink flamingo??
Francine also got a job. She’s going to decorate Christmas tree ornaments for Michael’s. It’s temporary but could lead to something bigger at the end of the season.
Nobody has heard from Fred. I’ll bet he’s not happy having to watch TV through the window from the backyard but at least Carl has all the sports channels and I guess that’s better than my house.
--------
In January, 1999, they declared an end to the fund raiser, making a tidy bundle of money. They packed them up for storage and will auction off the plastic replicas of my friends later in the spring. But I couldn’t let them go so easily.
They have become so real to me and always will be.
That’s why I’ve decided to take Fannie with me to Guatemala on the mission trip leaving this week. She certainly has the time available. I’m afraid she got fired from her job at Sam’s. After all those homeless people started coming in for the free samples, the store found out what she had done and fired her Christmas Eve. She didn’t have to go hungry though, she was welcomed at the shelters. You can imagine what the drunks with DT’s thought at seeing a pink flamingo at the shelter eating ham with them (Fannie avoids eating turkey for obvious reasons.)
The church doesn’t know but the flamingos all sneak out for various reasons. Frank, Farfel, and Francine have jobs. Fern will sometimes stay inside all day, depending on the weather. But, if the weather is really nice, she may help Farfel at the nursery where he works. Anytime he has a question about the Boston Ferns, she can usually help him out. Fred usually runs by the Peavy’s. He likes to watch TV through the window. Linda still won’t let him in. Says he leave too many empty beer cans laying around and smells funny.
The Peavys are moving next month so maybe the new owners will be more understanding. I can’t imagine why Carl and Linda wanted to move.
Tune in next week when the Flamingo Family Adventures takes a whole new turn.
In the fall of 1998, our church youth group discovered a new fund-raising idea. Other churches had used it with great success but it had never been tried around these parts. You get 20 or 30 of those pink plastic flamingos, the tacky yard decorations you’ve seen but would never buy for yourself . Form 4 or 5 “flocks” and put them in various church members’ front yards. You tell the congregation ahead of time and give them a chance to purchase “insurance” against an invasion of flamingos. The people who are “flamingo-ed” must pay to have them removed and for an even greater fee, they can stipulate where the flock goes next. You can see that the kids get into our pockets coming and going. But there’s no harm done and everyone seems to enjoy the joke.
When it came our turn to have the flamingos visit, I found the birds brought me much more than a smile. They tickled my imagination in a new way and I began to write. As I wrote, I found new friends and I’ve enjoyed watching their lives unfold inside my mind. I haven’t been the same since.
---------
Thursday, November 12, 1998
Dear First Presbyterian Friends and Youth Group :
My Flamingo Flock arrived on my lawn yesterday afternoon. Thank you to whomever sent them. We've enjoyed them so far. Even Beaven, a quiet curmudgeon, agreed that they looked kind of cute out there grazing on our lawn. And our neighbor across the street who has an elaborate Christmas display like you’ve never seen, remarked about what a sight they were.
Then it started raining.
I think it was Fannie who first knocked on our door and wanted in. She said it was cold and her feathers were starting to mat and could she please come in to dry off. I said why, of course, come right in and that she shouldn't be out there on such a horrible night like this. Just as soon as Fannie (whose given name is actually Frances, but she thinks Fannie sounds more friendly) finished toweling off here came Fred at the door.
Fred was a little more blunt. He told me that it was colder than (a profanity) out there and he sure could use a beer. Beaven brought Fred inside and let him warm himself in front of the TV.
When Francine asked to come in I couldn't very well say no. And, really, all she wanted was a little warm soup and the newspaper.
Well, by now it was getting a little crowded in the den and kitchen, not to mentioned the bedroom because Fannie had gone to bed-in our bed. But when the doorbell rang again with Farfel and Frank, we let them in, of course. We had let the others in, after all.
So, now I don't quite know what to make of your gift. Fred is on his third beer and we can't get the remote control from him. Francine has gone through everything in the fridge. And Farfel got into a fight with Frank over who gets to sleep by the window. Our house smells like wet feathers and I think you sent me the "indoors" flock by mistake.
My other problem is that I'm leaving for the middle school retreat tomorrow and I can't guaranteed what will happen with them here alone with Beaven. I can’t imagine what they will eat.
I'll try to let you know how things turn out when I get back.
The following morning I had to add a ps to the letter:
Boy, am I in trouble. I went out to get the paper this morning and found Fern sitting on our porch. Wet, cold and very heart-broken. She said she had been beating on the door all night but we didn't hear her. Fred had the TV going so loud I guess we didn't notice. Fannie helped her dry off and Francine fixed a nice warm breakfast for her. I'm not sure if she’ll ever be the same after this trauma. Frank and Farfel are now worried that there won't be enough room for them all in the house.
Hello??? They're thinking along these lines??? They seem to be taking over. I'm getting a little worried.
I can't stop now, I've got to pack for the middle school youth retreat. I'm putting Francine and Frank in charge while I'm gone, they seem to be the most responsible.
When I got home from Youthquake there was a Flamingo Update:
Maybe I didn’t need to worry. The flamingos were actually unsupervised all weekend and everything in the house looks fine. Beaven decided to go see his Dad in Mt. Pleasant. Frank went with him because they were planning to do some electrical work around the house and Frank offered to help out. Fred didn’t want to go because he had already circled the football games he planned to watch in the TV Guide. I sure hope he didn’t think he was going to invite any of his flamingo friends to come over. It doesn’t look like he did. But Francine has been spending all her time cleaning up feathers and vacuuming. She wants to help me decorate for Thanksgiving; she said my house has "possibilities."
Fannie and Fern have been talking out all Fern’s Flamingo Family of Origin Problems. Fannie thinks Fern’s chronic weepiness go beyond the night she had to sleep in the rain at my house. She thinks Fern needs therapy and said she knows a good therapist.
They said Farfel left early Saturday morning to check on landscaping ideas for our back yard. Wouldn’t that be great if he could tell me what to plant and where? But he said he was going to the Turtle Creek-Oak Lawn area and he hasn’t come home yet. I sure hope he found a warm place to stay Saturday night.
However, that did free up some sleeping space in our house. It’s a little crowded. Maybe if it doesn’t rain tonight, one or two of them could sleep in the yard. I’ll bet they had to sleep outside at everybody else’s house. Frank said he could build bunk beds. But I don’t want them to get too settled because I think they are due to move on within the week. And I KNOW the family I plan to send them to won’t let them stay inside, bunk beds or not
Monday, November 16, 1998
Flamingo Heaven on East Harvard
Farfel showed up late last night and said he has fallen in love with landscaping. Says he spent all those years standing around in people's gardens and never fully appreciated the beauty of flowers. He spent all day at Lee Park and says he has a new appreciation for pansies. He went to the nursery today and bought several plants for our yard and it really does look great. If the weather holds up I think he might stay out there and dig around all the time.
Francine spent the whole day decorating the house and I came home to a "new look." And she says she's not finished yet!! Can't wait to see what else she does. Already she has made a large table decoration out of coffee grounds and discarded banana peels. Of which we have plenty since Fannie and Fern spent the day around the kitchen table discussing Fern's future. Fannie thinks she can get her into a couple of GED classes or even Richland. But Fern isn't sure what she should study. Like Farfel, she is interested in Horticulture (ferns would be a natural specialty, don’tcha think?), but when I suggested helping Farkel in the yard, she just freaked out at the thought of going outside. I guess that all-nighter in the rain really affected her.
Fred is on the couch watching Monday Night Football, which doesn't sit well with Beaven and Frank. They want to watch the Discovery Channel show on Building the Brooklyn Bridge but no one is willing to challenge Fred.. He can get pretty intimidating when he's have a couple of beers. And today, what with Oprah, Montel Williams and Jerry Springer, he's gone through more than a couple.
Frank finished the bunk beds in the front room and cleaned up the garage. He told Beaven he could do a tune up on my car if Beaven wanted him to.
So, that's it here at Flamingo Heaven. We're settling into a happy little family. Louis Gold, the youth group sponsor, called to say the birds aren’t earning any money sitting in my front yard. He plans to come by and move them to another house. If I pay a premium I can pick where they go next. I just hope he waits until Francine is finished with the mural in the bathroom.
Tuesday Flamingo Update:
I got home from work today to find a horrible scene: furniture turned over all through the house and pink feathers everywhere!! Nobody was home except Fred who was sitting in his usual spot in front of the TV. Getting answers out of him is next to impossible, especially during Jeopardy. I knew that Farfel had taken Fern out to the Arboretum for a kind of "test run” to see how she handles the outdoors and to look at all the flowers (and ferns!—I think she is really developing an interest there.) Fannie had gone to Sam’s to apply for a job as one of those ladies who pass out the free samples on Saturdays. I think she’ll do a really good job.
I had to wait until Frank brought Francine home from the hospital a few minutes later.
It turns out that she had tried to re-upholster the sofa while Fred was on it. I think her mistake was to try it during The Jerry Springer Show. Somehow he had managed to stuff one of her legs all the way down her throat. By the time Frank could get in the house from the garage where he was painting, the damage had been done.
Louis called me to say it was time for him to pick up the flock and keep it migrating. And I know just where they need to go.
---------
Mrs. Linda Peavy
111 W. Kenwood
Garland, TX 75041
Dear Linda:
I hope you enjoy your new flock of flamingos. Please let Fern in the house immediately, as she is prone to crying fits when exposed to the outside. I think she’ll get better with a little TLC.
I just know you and Francine will have fun together. She’s really handy around the house and can wallpaper with the best of us. She may be quiet for a while—she has a really sore throat.
Carl should enjoy having a buddy to watch TV with. Warn him, however, to keep a lock on the beer icebox in the garage. Frank can build him a handy cabinet if he wants one.
One of my reasons for choosing you as their next family is that I know Farfel will "approve" of your landscaping- I think he was always secretly horrified at my own attempts. I hope you’ll let him walk back over here from time to time to check on my yard, too. We so enjoyed having him.
You’re on your own with Fred.
Love,
Jane
p.s. You might want to keep Fred and Francine separated for a while.
Thursday, November 19, 1998
Flamingo Update—
Farfel dropped by this afternoon to say that Linda Peavy told them they can’t stay long at her house. Fern is the only one she will let in and the other five are producing more than enough fertilizer for her front yard. Farfel agrees that too much ammonia can be bad for the yard. I’m not sure where Louis will move them to next. I hope somewhere close so that Frank can finish painting the garage. He had to stop to take Francine to the hospital, you know.
I saw Fannie at Sam’s today. She loves her job passing out the free samples. Said she went by a couple of homeless shelters and invited them to come on by. Today she was giving out the tiny little slices of bagel dogs. But I think they get moved around a lot so you may have to hunt for her. But then, how hard is it to miss a bright pink flamingo??
Francine also got a job. She’s going to decorate Christmas tree ornaments for Michael’s. It’s temporary but could lead to something bigger at the end of the season.
Nobody has heard from Fred. I’ll bet he’s not happy having to watch TV through the window from the backyard but at least Carl has all the sports channels and I guess that’s better than my house.
--------
In January, 1999, they declared an end to the fund raiser, making a tidy bundle of money. They packed them up for storage and will auction off the plastic replicas of my friends later in the spring. But I couldn’t let them go so easily.
They have become so real to me and always will be.
That’s why I’ve decided to take Fannie with me to Guatemala on the mission trip leaving this week. She certainly has the time available. I’m afraid she got fired from her job at Sam’s. After all those homeless people started coming in for the free samples, the store found out what she had done and fired her Christmas Eve. She didn’t have to go hungry though, she was welcomed at the shelters. You can imagine what the drunks with DT’s thought at seeing a pink flamingo at the shelter eating ham with them (Fannie avoids eating turkey for obvious reasons.)
The church doesn’t know but the flamingos all sneak out for various reasons. Frank, Farfel, and Francine have jobs. Fern will sometimes stay inside all day, depending on the weather. But, if the weather is really nice, she may help Farfel at the nursery where he works. Anytime he has a question about the Boston Ferns, she can usually help him out. Fred usually runs by the Peavy’s. He likes to watch TV through the window. Linda still won’t let him in. Says he leave too many empty beer cans laying around and smells funny.
The Peavys are moving next month so maybe the new owners will be more understanding. I can’t imagine why Carl and Linda wanted to move.
Tune in next week when the Flamingo Family Adventures takes a whole new turn.
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